Angry Angry Angry Angry
Okay, I feel like a time bomb about to explode and I have no one to diffuse me. I’m going to stick my ranting and pity partying in the Read More section so people have the choice of reading or not. I’ll get back to knitting content soon, I promise. Not tomorrow though, because I’m going to the outlet mall to take out my frustrations via credit card. And probably not Thursday because the car doctors will be playing with my car for awhile while I patiently wait knit in the waiting room, and then there’s knit night, which I may want to spend in a bar instead of a coffeeshop. Anyway, you have been warned. What comes next is not nice and is me being emotional. There will be bad words so if those offend you, go read a worthy post somewhere else. Seriously.
When we got home on Sunday, our neighbor came over. No, let me go back a tad farther than that. When we arrived at the hospital on Saturday, the two hags (aka my aunts) were in this small room that you have to pass by to get to the patient rooms. They saw us before we got to Grandpa’s room and called us in. Now I know tensions are high and they are upset, but they pissed me off with some of the oh so intellectual conversations they were spewing forth. I snapped at Aunt A because she was just being fucking stupid. The Man took me aside later and told me that I shouldn’t have done that. They’re upset, blah blah blah. Later in the day, both of the hags were being negative so I snapped at them again, but this time I did it as nicely as possible. Enough that The Man said I handled it much better. Okay, now back to the neighbor. When we got home, we only had a few minutes to pick up the dog from the boarding place. There’s another rant about that place altogether but I’ll spare you that one. The plan was for me to go get her in my car as soon as we got home so I was in a little bit of a hurry. The neighbor came over and said that he would be glad to watch the dog when we go out of town. Not in his house, but leaving her in our house and he’d come over and let her out a couple of times and play with her. I told him it was nothing personal, but I have a phobia about people in my house when I’m not home. It’s not him, it’s pretty much anyone. (Remember when I felt trapped when the houseguests from hell were here?) When I got back home, The Man told me I shouldn’t have yelled at the neighbor. I didn’t realize I yelled at him. I guess I came across harsh. Later in the day, The Man says “You know what I like about Neighbor? He is who he is. What you see is what you get.” I don’t know if I was more pissed or hurt. This guy, who I swear flies off the handle every other breath, he can accept but what you see with me is wrong? We had a talk about that. Sometimes I really wish I could reinvent myself. Be the nice person instead of opinionated, cold hearted, and bitchy. I swear I can be a nice person, but it seems I don’t show it. (Heh, an alpaca commercial was just on the tv and The Man told me I need one. He’ll buy me one for Christmas. He’s a sweetie despite sometimes sticking his foot in his mouth.)
Yesterday morning, younger daughter stopped by the hospital to check on Grandpa. He’s talking, eating, and someone from rehab was coming in to help him start walking. Last night, Aunt A calls and says that he was out pretty much all afternoon and she’s complaining heavily about his doctor. Aunt A doesn’t like her (the doctor), doesn’t have faith in her, blah blah blah. Today, Aunt B calls a little after noon and says Grandpa has taken a turn for the worst and “we’re afraid we’re going to lose him today”. She’ll keep me updated. I called the hospital hours later and talked to my uncle, who basically says there’s no change. This evening, both of my daughters went to the hospital. This picture that my aunts keep painting is that he’s going to die within 5 minutes (yes, small exaggeration there) but the girls tell me he’s doing better than he was the last time they saw him. If he has someone around that seems cheery or positive, he seems fine. When it’s just my fucking aunts and grandmother in the room, he’s dying. God forgive me but I so strongly dislike those people that I really want nothing to do with them anymore. Years of bullshit from them. They thrive on telling the bad news, even about people I have no clue who they are. So-and-so was killed in a car accident or whatever other thing it is that happened. I don’t even fucking know 90 percent of the so-and-so’s they tell me about. Every thing has to be sad bad news. If that were all there was, I would be being quite unreasonable, but there’s a lot of history and other shit there so… I want to disown them. Grandpa is the only one I really have any respect for, and they’re trying to kill him off. Bitches bitches bitches.
Now why am I whining here? Because I’m a big baby, first of all. I’ve got The Man telling me I need to be nicer so I’m trying not to spout off too much at him, and I’ve got a fuse that is burning bright. I really want to work on my attitude and stop bitching so much, but it’s hard to do when the hags and granny are being so fucking negative. (That, and old habits die hard anyway.) I want to tell them to enjoy the time they have left with him (thank you RandomRanter, you said it so well) instead of sitting there acting like he’s got one foot in the grave. Maybe he does but don’t act like it around him for fucks sake. I want to tell them after he’s gone not to ever call me again. I want to tell them that he probaby signed the living will so he could get the fuck away from them a little faster. I want to be mean and evil and hateful. That goes along so well with me wanting to be a nicer person huh. Right now, I want to move to California. I’ll reinvent myself. The only family I will have is The Man and the daughters. If it weren’t for the daughters, I’d actually be okay with moving. Because, you know, I have to move across the US to become a better person. Perhaps I should just be sedated during my waking hours.
In all fairness, I have to say that The Man is apologizing for what he said. He says I was right when we discussed his comments about accepting neighbor but not accepting my getting pissed at the hags. That’s one of the things I love about The Man. We discuss things instead of getting into fights. But still, what he said still has a small sting to it and I’d like to stop bitching so much around him so he doesn’t regret his apology!
July 18th, 2006 at 11:18 pm
I understand what you mean completely. I dealt with something similar with my grandfather.. my aunts family and grandmother would call me up and demand that I come to the hospital because he was ‘dying’ and I’d drive all the way there to find him doing ‘fine’ and then get a ration of s**t from them about my clothes, hair, lifestyle, etc. while I was there. People suck sometimes.
July 18th, 2006 at 11:54 pm
You’re being too hard on yourself. If you were “opinionated, cold hearted, and bitchy” like you said, you wouldn’t have gone for a visit to begin with. And you’d be telling your relatives all the things you’re thinking. But you’re not. You’re taking the high road and not laying into them. And The Man and your daughters love you for who you are, not who you sometimes wish you were.
July 19th, 2006 at 3:54 am
I don’t think you’re being hard on yourself. In fact, it sounds exactly like what I would do and say. (Every day, not just in times of stress!)
I’m sure your neighbour can understand that you’re having a hard time. And I think the man is probably feelinga little stressed worrying about you, too. Your Grandpa is in our thoughts, and you are, too.
July 19th, 2006 at 10:54 am
Years ago I had a roommate who was Little Miss Negative, All The Fucking Time. She drove me nuts. She’s the only person in my life that I’ve ever gotten so angry with that my hands would shake. Some people you just can’t get along with.
I’m bad to just blurt out what’s on my mind too. I’ve got a reputation in my family for being kinda obnoxious. So I hear ya. FWIW, *I* don’t think you’re cold-hearted. And if you wanna meet at a bar for knitting on Thursday, name the place.
Thinking good thoughts in your direction… Sometimes life is just sucky. It generally gets better after a while. You just have to live through the sucky parts.
July 19th, 2006 at 1:42 pm
That all really really sucks. Sometimes you want to shake these people and scream “It’s not about you!” But they don’t listen and never will.
I hope your day can get a little easier.
July 21st, 2006 at 5:52 pm
Ack, I owe you an email but for right now I’m just going to say HELL YEAH. All this stupid, stupid family crap that pops up when someone is ill is just the final straw for me, too. And you’re not bitchy or cold hearted for thinking those things. Or if you are then I am, too, because I’m thinking the same things in my situation. I learned a long time ago that blood is NOT thicker than water and families can be abusive, hateful and can suck the life out of you. Being in situations like these forces us to open doors we thought we’d closed and locked and at the worst possible time, too.
The reason I like you so much is that you don’t feel it’s necessary to just like everyone just because it’s “nice”. Which is not to say you aren’t nice, it’s to say you have judgement and boundaries and it’s something I respect greatly. It doesn’t make you a bad person at all. Fake nice isn’t. Be yourself.