My brain is mush
I know everyone thinks. Whether we realize it or not, there is usually something going on in our thoughts at all times of the day. Right now I feel like I’ve thought so much that my brain has turned to mush and I can no longer produce a coherent thought. My little world is upside down at the moment and I can say I don’t particularly care for this state of mind.
My grandfather passed away last night a little after midnight. (Passed away is an odd term, but how else do you say it? Died sounds heartless. Gone to the big cloud in the sky sounds flippant. What about is at peace now? *shrug*) There won’t be a funeral, which really shocks the shit right out of me, though there will be graveside services. I’m not sure why my grandmother made this decision. I will admit to being somewhat relieved. The Man knows (and has known for years, this isn’t a recent decision) that when I go, under no circumstance is there to be a funeral for me. If everyone that liked me (all 5 of them!) wants to get together, eat lots of food, have a few drinks, and talk about the good times, that’s fine. But no funeral. Stick me in a wooden box and toss some dirt on me. Or cremate me. But under no circumstance is he to buy an expensive coffin and put me on display. I know that goes against the grain of what so many other people feel and I’m sorry if it offends anyone, but that’s me and I’m not going to pretend it’s not. Again, there’s a lot of past that shapes me, as with everyone else. Anyhoo, I’m almost afraid to go to the services for fear of what will come out of my mouth. Hopefully, out of respect for my grandfather, I can restrain myself long enough to make it through.
The thing that is really mushing my brain is something that I really shouldn’t discuss out loud yet. (Don’t you hate when people say stuff like that!) This one is trying to kill me, and has been for over a week but more so in the last couple of days. There’s one piece of final information that we need before we can make any final decisions, and we won’t receive it until sometime this week. If we don’t find out this week, I’m very likely going to have a meltdown. There are just so many what-if’s that my brain is going nuts. We think we know how it’s going to turn out so we’re thinking things to death. Who knows, it may all be for nothing but better to be prepared in case it’s not. At any rate, my brain is mush and I wish I could just stop thinking about everything for a couple of hours. Mush, doggies, mush.
July 24th, 2006 at 11:41 am
Thanks for chiming in over on my blog about the restless feeling/overthinking mental quandry we both seem to be in! Your words were reassuring and helpful.
I’m so very sorry about your loss of your Grandfather. Having just worked at a funeral home (that’s the job I just left), I can assure you that your feelings of not knowing what to say and do are feelings that many others share too. Just being there for your Grandma is way more impt than speaking the “right” words.
Good luck with getting clear on your decision. I hope some clarifies for you this week.
July 24th, 2006 at 1:07 pm
I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your Grandfather. I have also said no funeral. I want a party where all the people gather to talk and remember and laugh and drink, don’t forget drinking.
I’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts.
I wish you peace.
July 24th, 2006 at 3:03 pm
Another soul chiming in to say sorry about your grandfather.
I’m really of two minds about the funeral thing. I never really understood why people made a fuss over the dead until my favorite cat of all time (Michaelmouse) was hit by a car. I came home from choir practice and found him in the road, running for home when he got hit. He was pretty unmarked outwardly. I picked him up and carried him to the porch and cried and cried and stroked him and cried some more. Before then, I could never have imagined doing anything like that. Then when my mother died, I found I was comforted to see her looking more like her old self in the coffin. I’m glad that I got to see her like that, instead of having to remember her lying sick in bed.
My brother’s FIL, a sweet man that I loved dearly, died recently after a very short illness. I didn’t get to see him in the last few weeks before he died. Again, it was kind of a comfort to me to see him once more before he was gone, even if it was in the casket.
I’m not a fan of big expensive funerals or anything like that. But since I’ve apparently turned into a Neolithic citizen who venerates dead bodies and who now understands why dead people used to be buried with their favorite things, I understand the impulse a little better these days.
July 24th, 2006 at 3:14 pm
I’m sorry about your grandfather. I’m also sorry your world is a bit upside down right now. Not feeling in control or having the information to make a decision is very tough.
July 24th, 2006 at 5:58 pm
I’m sorry, Jill. I’ll be thinking of you.
July 24th, 2006 at 6:29 pm
Sorry about your Grandfather. I know some people get comfort from seeing their loved ones one last time, but I’ve yet to see a departed friend or relative who really looked like themselves, so I agree with you about not being shown off. Hope the trip is not too stressful for you and that you can say goodbye in peace.
July 24th, 2006 at 7:33 pm
I’m sorry about your grandfather. Funerals are so stressful. People act so weird. And the day of a funeral is just impossibly LONG. I hope you get some stress relief soon.
As for me, I don’t care about a funeral and I don’t want to be buried, if family feels they need the funeral to say goodbye then they can do it for them, as long as they understand I don’t need it.
Sending cool, calming clear thoughts your way.