Restless Knitter

I know everyone thinks. Whether we realize it or not, there is usually something going on in our thoughts at all times of the day. Right now I feel like I’ve thought so much that my brain has turned to mush and I can no longer produce a coherent thought. My little world is upside down at the moment and I can say I don’t particularly care for this state of mind.

My grandfather passed away last night a little after midnight. (Passed away is an odd term, but how else do you say it? Died sounds heartless. Gone to the big cloud in the sky sounds flippant. What about is at peace now? *shrug*) There won’t be a funeral, which really shocks the shit right out of me, though there will be graveside services. I’m not sure why my grandmother made this decision. I will admit to being somewhat relieved. The Man knows (and has known for years, this isn’t a recent decision) that when I go, under no circumstance is there to be a funeral for me. If everyone that liked me (all 5 of them!) wants to get together, eat lots of food, have a few drinks, and talk about the good times, that’s fine. But no funeral. Stick me in a wooden box and toss some dirt on me. Or cremate me. But under no circumstance is he to buy an expensive coffin and put me on display. I know that goes against the grain of what so many other people feel and I’m sorry if it offends anyone, but that’s me and I’m not going to pretend it’s not. Again, there’s a lot of past that shapes me, as with everyone else. Anyhoo, I’m almost afraid to go to the services for fear of what will come out of my mouth. Hopefully, out of respect for my grandfather, I can restrain myself long enough to make it through.

The thing that is really mushing my brain is something that I really shouldn’t discuss out loud yet. (Don’t you hate when people say stuff like that!) This one is trying to kill me, and has been for over a week but more so in the last couple of days. There’s one piece of final information that we need before we can make any final decisions, and we won’t receive it until sometime this week. If we don’t find out this week, I’m very likely going to have a meltdown. There are just so many what-if’s that my brain is going nuts. We think we know how it’s going to turn out so we’re thinking things to death. Who knows, it may all be for nothing but better to be prepared in case it’s not. At any rate, my brain is mush and I wish I could just stop thinking about everything for a couple of hours. Mush, doggies, mush.